Show Him What I've Got

(photo credit unknown, posted by Sex in the Suburbs, a sex ed group in Washington that appears to be part of the excellent Our Whole Lives - OWL - sex education program from the Unitarian Universalist Church.)

I love this. It's simple, very to-the-point, and shows the basic differences between gender identity, gender expression, and biological sex. I spend a lot of time explaining the difference between gender identity, biological sex, and sexual orientation. But sadly, gender expression often gets left out. Seeing this chart struck something in me. Leaving out gender expression leaves out... me. This chart shows how someone can be both feminine presenting and genderqueer. That's huge. It also reminds people that someone's gender expression and gender identity have NOTHING to do with their sexual orientation. We conflate gender and sexual attraction so often in our society. I can't tell you how many of my trans friends have to explain that they are trans, not necessarily gay. Of course, queer doesn't fit into one of these sweet, clear, non-messy charts. But that's ok. I'm glad it doesn't. 

I will add, I saw a diagram of gender once that that was a octagon. I love that it made me really think. Does a spectrum have to be linear and one-dimensional? I don't think so.

On an unrelated note, someone sent me another blog from OkTrends, the brainchild of the people who created OkCupid. They use their massive database of self-reported quantitative data and run trends and statistical analyses. (I'm so jealous. I'm also such a nerd.) Anyway, the blog I read is on Gay Sex vs. Straight Sex. I learned SO much. Using a sample of 3.2 million OkCupid users (n=3.2million), here is some of the information they found:

Median Reported Sex Partners

• straight men: 6
• gay men: 6
• straight women: 6
• gay women: 6

(Credit: OkTrends)

26% of self-identified straight women had sex with someone of the same sex and enjoyed themselves

7% of self-identified straight women had sex with someone of the same sex and enjoyed themselves

Another 18% of self-identified straight women haven't had sex with someone of the same sex, 

but would like to

7% of self-identified straight men had sex with someone of the same sex and enjoyed themselves

6% of self-identified straight men had sex with someone of the same sex and enjoyed themselves

5% haven't, but would like to

Then they broke down who is "gay curious" by state. I wish someone would run an analysis to determine if this correlates with how people in those states vote, and another correlation with the number of LGBTQ-supportive laws in those states. Really, if you sat me down, I'd run all sorts of fun, fancy, ridiculous cross tabulations. (Why didn't they use this as data set examples in stats class? More fun that how many snowcones each kid bought.)

The personality traits are fun. The gay mens' traits versus straight mens' traits read like a stereotype. The gay womens' is FASCINATING. I'm not even going to try to analyze this. Go for it, if you're that crazy. 

(Though when will OkCupid add additional options for gender that aren't on the binary? Please!)

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

(Credit: OkTrends)

Sex Toy Review: Rock Star Janis

Eden Fantasys sex toys provided the Rock Star Janis vibrator to me for free, in exchange for an unbiased review. 

I started off pretty skeptical about the Janis. As I've explained before, I find battery-operated toys to be a bit annoying. They're great for travel, yes. But around my house? Batteries are expensive, need to be constantly changed, and produce a lot of environmentally unfriendly waste. Plus, when the batteries run down, damn, the vibrations get weak. So I grumbled and groaned my way to the store to get the two AAA batteries required for this toy. 

Also, I have this mental block that battery-operated vibrators just don't have the same power. 

Was I wrong? Yes. 

The Janis packs a punch. It gives my Hitachi wand (on the lower setting) a run for its money. That says something. The vibrations are solely concentrated in the rounded tip (further from the silver band), so it works fantastically well for clitoral stimulation. Personally, I get off much easier from clitoral stimulation; I can give or take g-spot stimulation, depending on my mood. But the shape of this toy is perfect for g-spot stimulation. It's not designed to go deep; if you're looking for that sensation, try a much longer toy with a bit more girth. It's designed to get shallow and dirty, to put pressure right into the urethral sponge. If the g-spot exists, which is pretty hotly debated, this is where it is. If you're interesting in squirting (female ejaculation), using a toy like, once you are already very aroused, this can be a great entryway into squirting. But don't expect it to do all the work :) It's an aid, not an easy way out.

A review on the sale page says this vibrator is "a little too loud for everyday use." I'm going to beg to differ. I didn't find the sound to be a problem. It's not extremely quiet, but manageable.  

I love the shape of the Janis. It feels great in my hand, it's light, and it's a fantastic almost velvet texture. The center silver band unscrews to insert the batteries, and the bottom of the "ball" base is a dial for adjusting the strength of the vibrations. I definitely prefer the dial to the switches; it's easier to fine-tune your power. The Janis is made of silicone, which is non-porous and phlalate-free, making it a very safe toy. I'd recommend using a condom on it for partner play, just in case. You definitely can't boil this vibrator, so using a condom is the absolute safest you can make this toy. 

The packaging is a clear box with Ed Hardy-like designs. I don't know who dreams up this stuff, but damn, the marketing for sex toys can be a bit ridiculous. I'm not sure I would have grabbed it if I saw it on a wall. 

Moral of the story: 4 out of 5 stars. If you want a battery-operated clitoral or g-spot vibrator that isn't going to break the bank, go for the Janis. It might become my favorite travel vibe. 

On a side note, I was talking to a heterosexual, cisgender male at a party the other night, who was complaining that his girlfriend has trouble getting off during penis-in-vagina intercourse. She needs clitoral stimulation, and she isn't getting it, clearly. In addition to a vibrating cock ring, I would suggest trying the Janis. Holding a bullet in place when you're fucking is a pain; they slip and slide. But this has just enough of a handle, it might work well. I told him that one of my favorite solutions to this problem is doggie style. It's a great position for g-spot stimulation and deep penetration, and she (in this case, anyway) can hold the vibrator to her clitorus for that extra stimulation. Brings me to my knees every time, no pun intended. 

Holigays

I feel like I've been on a fucking mind-blowing streak since I came back from San Francisco. All I do is win. I'm waiting for the fall out, for the other shoe to drop, but I'm totally ok with the fact that it hasn't yet.

My fantasy football team did a 180 and ended a long losing streak to make through TWO rounds of playoffs. I'm going to the fantasy Super Bowl for my league this weekend!

Doors opened for me to both of my career dreams. Even though they are both vague possibilities and include take many, many baby steps, I still have a sense of hope I didn't before.

I'm realizing I prefer to go by masculine pronouns and a masculinized name (which was given to me by a friend on accident). This isn't possible at work, and the vast majority of people will continue to call me by my birthname. But when my friends call me by my masculinized name, I get this jolt of excitement. I don't know how else to describe it. I've started using that name to introduce myself, though only in queer settings. It's scary. But I'm taking little steps, and trying to enjoy the moments when I'm not holding back.

I used some of the money I had saved up from advertising revenue on this blog to buy a new harness, a cock I've been wanting, and a packer. I created this blog for my own sexual exploration and renaissance, so it seems appropriate that it is helping me achieve that -- and explore gender -- in very concrete ways.

I had an amazing tarot card reading with a friend from the Boxes workshop via Skype. It was... illuminating. A lot of what we discussed and felt is the need for more purposeful exploration in my life. I need to break down some boundaries, push myself into places that scare me, and take the time to process -- or sometimes, just to do. I'm setting that as a goal for 2012 -- self-awareness. The reading helped me collect my thoughts and feel more focused about heading into a new year and closing out this one.

The Saints are doing fantastically well this year. Playoffs, here we come! LSU is going for a National Championship, too, so you can imagine what football season in New Orleans has been like.

My school semester ended very well. Looking forward to one last semester of classes before my thesis; I'm so over giving up my nights and feeling exhausted constantly.

I started a new "tradition" with a friend. It's a bit of a story, but the end result is this: each Christmas, we'll buy each other some slightly bizarre or unusual sex toy. In return, I expect her to write a review for this blog. I received the famous (infamous?) bacon lube, and you can find out about hers when I post the review :) I'll review the bacon lube, too, if you're curious. Choosing her gift was probably the most fun I had this year buying presents. It was definitely a challenge... and I hope to get myself one, too.

I've had a really wonderful time catching up with friends, going to a massive number of Holiday parties, cooking crazy dishes for Thanksgiving, drinking until 3am, and causing trouble. Singing Madonna at the top of my lungs with friends. Big potluck meals. Leg wrestling. Deep conversations about gender and kink. Shutting down parties and practicing my pool playing. It's been... so much fun.

Getting geared up for traveling to Colorado in 9 days, after the Dirty Birds/Saints game. Trying to wrap up everything at work, finish gift giving, and try to enjoy what little "break" from school and work that I get. I love this time of year. I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season!

Even if the Sky is Falling Down

I've walked by the shop a number of times. It's a small storefront in the French Quarter, sandwiched between on one of the less notable side streets. The sign proclaiming "Erotic Cakes and Toys" takes up the whole front window. The shop always looked closed for some funny reason. But on this gorgeous, sunny Saturday I feel compelled to pull open the door and walk in. I'm honestly surprised when the door does open. It's a tiny shope, and there's a huge man behind the counter. He must be over 6'3 and sporting a massive beard. I greet him and walk in a circle through the store, examining the many sex toys lining the walls. It's a cheap collection, packed from floor to ceiling, mostly jelly toys, cock rings, low quality vibrators, very little of note. I probably wouldn't be interested in most anything they had.

"Are you looking for anything in particular?" The man has a very pleasant expression, almost curious. I wonder what he thinks when he sees me.

"I'm ok. Just looking." I pause for a minute to focus away from the wall, back toward him. "Can I ask you a weird question?"

He laughs. "There are no weird questions."

I think he is expecting some sort of sexual question, but that's not on my mind. "How did you get around the permitting and zoning?"

He does look a bit surprised at this question, but answers me quickly. "Well, we're technically a bakery. So it's a non-issue." I know the city enacted a ban on adult novelty stores in the French Quarter years ago, grandfathering in one locally owned leather/toy shop that caters primarily to gay men. There's another store, owned by Hustler, but I assumed they just paid someone off. His answer twists my mind in a different direction. Hustler sells half toys, half lingerie and clothing; maybe they are listed as an apparel business for permitting reasons. That's the secret: there's always a way around the rules, if you think creatively.

"That's an unusual question. Are you looking to open a store?"

I swallow the fear rising in my throat. I find it impossibly hard to express some of my most private and deeply held secrets to anyone, especially a stranger. I waiver on the answer. "Well...possibly. But I had assumed it would have to be outside the French Quarter."

His response floors me. "My wife and I are looking to sell this place in two years, if you're interested." I'm left speechless for a second, stumbling.

"Can I ask why?"

"She's finishing school, and we're not from here. We'd like to move back home."

"I'm not sure I'm equipped to run a bakery."

"Well, that's not necessarily required. You could do something else. But our profits from toys have increased significantly, so if that's what you're interested in... it's there."

We continue talking about the zoning and permitting, rent, their landlord, and other aspects of the business. I get his card, and express my serious interest. As I'm about to turn and walk out, an object hanging from the wall catches my eye. I walk across the shop, to the far side of the counter, and reach out to touch a black and white braided leather whip, about three feet long, hanging from the wall. It looks incredibly out of place in this shop, and I can't help the smile spreading across my face.

"I have this exact same whip. Got it in San Antonio at the Mexican Market. Can't find hand-braided leather like that for so cheap anywhere else."

It's his turn to smile. "A friend of mine gave that to me. It's not for sale." He gives me a look of recognition -- I'd swear it was one kinkster to another.

I feel like it's a sign, from somewhere. "I'll be back." I leave the shop, practically skipping down the street, thoughts swirling in my head. I have few dreams, but one of them definitely involves owning a sex shop.

All of the Lights

I can feel her tensing up. It's incredibly subtle, but my complete focus is on her body. Her legs are spread wide across my bed, lower back arched, shoulders and braids burying into the pillows. My tongue is wrapped around her clit, and I'm caught mid stroke, trying to interpret what I need to change. She's so difficult to read. It doesn't help that I've barely heard a sound from her.

I pull my fingers back, slightly, releasing my grip on her g-spot. I want to play this very carefully. I pull my tongue away, but it's not a complete disconnect. I move slowly, climbing over her, kissing my way across her body. Leaning in, toward her neck, I catch the lobe of her ear between my teeth. I whisper, between biting her neck, "Don't be afraid to tell me what you want."

She shifts a bit, stiffening but moving her hands onto my thighs, and I swear I can hear the wheels turning. I don't know how she will respond, but I can tell, clear as day, that she knows exact what she wants. I just want to coax it out of her. I move back down her body, scratching my nails down the outside of her thighs, and pulling her legs roughly apart so I can tease her. She breaks her silence, as I'm leaning down to find her clit. Her voice comes out rough, unsure, "More head. Less penetration."

I crack a smile. "I think I can handle that." I push my shoulders up against the insides of her thighs, locking my lower arms around her hips, and run my tongue deep inside her. "How's that?" I get so fucking cocky sometimes. But damn. I just want to feel her melt. I get a soft moan in response, and she cups my head in her hands and pulls me back into her. I don't stop again  until she comes, bold and unforgiving.

********

I'm sitting up on one end of the bed in a position that can only be described as awkward. I wish I could see her in the dark, and I curse myself for a second for turning off the lights. She's still spread across the bed (how does that usually end up happening?), and I've got her clit between my right thumb and forefinger. I'm not used to anyone who can take this kind of direct stimulation, and I'm enjoying the hell out of the opportunity while I have it. I can feel her swelling under my fingers.

"That feels really good." I'm grateful for her praise, simply because it means I'm doing the right thing.

"Is there anything else you'd like?" I lean down to punctuate the question with a bite to her thigh.

She cocks her head to the side. I can see the motion faintly in the reflection of the street light outside the window. "I like you. In bed, I mean."

I can't follow her train of thought. I don't know her well enough. "What do you mean?"

"I like that you tell me to say what I want. I like that you ask me." I don't know what to say. It's a deeply flattering comment, simply because it's taken me so long to get here, too. But I always feel like I've got so much left to learn, to experience. I want so badly to ask about her history. I want to know where she comes from, what she thinks about her body, what she secretly desires. I want to know what she fears. But I'm already significantly pushing her boundaries. Any more could be overkill.

"I'll tell you a secret." I'm still rolling her clit between my fingers, tracing her labia, dipping around her vagina. There's nothing quite as sweet as the feeling of someone get wet in my hands. "I had the same reaction the first time someone asked me that question. I remember clearly I had to stop and think -- what was it that I wanted? Really? And where could I get the courage to say that out loud? It's why I ask. I can't give you what you want, what you deserve, if I don't know." She falls silent as she focuses into her body and comes again, her clit pulsing.

I pull her up after she finishes, reaching to bring her into my lap. But she stops me, telling me no, and pushing me gently toward the other side of the bed. "Lie down," she tells me, and for once, I don't put up any resistance. "Now tell me, what is it that you like?"

Pleasurists #157

The lovers are crazy by tasteofomi


Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days.  If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow the RSS Feed and Twitter for updates.


Did you miss Pleasurists 156?  Read it all here.  Do you have a review for Pleasurists 158? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday November 27th @ 11:59pm Pacific.

Trans Day of Remembrance

Some of my closest friends are trans and/or genderqueer. A handful of my lovers have been trans and/or genderqueer. I can't imagine what I would do if one of them was violently attacked, or worse, killed. My heart hurts, just thinking about it.

It happens all the time, though. I can't imagine the fear many of them feel when trying to navigate the simplest of tasks -- putting down a credit card for a meal (which is a nightmare when your name doesn't match your gender); using a public restroom; even walking through the French Quarter alone. Their fear is justified. Whether the persecution, criticism, or harassment comes from strangers, the police, the media, family members, or partners... it's equally damaging and unnecessary. 

My heart goes out to all those we've lost, whether by murder or suicide. My heart goes out to the families, friends, and partners of those we've lost. 

I want to live in a society where no one is harassed, persecuted, or killed for their gender expression and gender identity. I want to live in a society where no one feels like suicide is a better option than life. 

A commenter on Autostraddle made a really great point that I want to emphasize here:

"A few years ago at a Trans Day of Remembrance event I attended, someone I knew gave a short speech about what it means to be safe–not just physically but also in your own relationships, bodies, communities, etc.–and about how queer people have to look out for each other. We have to stand up for each other and protect each other, because clearly it can be a dangerous world for some folks, especially trans women of color. We have to fight for laws that respect and protect ALL of us.

What does safety mean on a personal level? If your trans* friend is heading home from a bar or party or somewhere, you could offer to drive or walk them home. If someone discloses that they’re trans, honor and use their preferred names, pronouns, identities–but also ask which words to use in which contexts, so you don’t accidentally out them or put them in difficult situations. If you’re dating someone new, respect their boundaries and identities and find out what’s okay with them. If someone uses transphobic language–even a queer person–call them out on it.

Those actions may not make up for the sad losses of any trans* people being remembered today, but they might help protect someone else from facing the same fate."

I would add a few -- offer to go with a trans friend to a doctor's appointment, if they are feeling nervous. Offer to escort them to the bathroom, and stand protection outside the door if you're in a public place. If you know someone who is coming out, offer to introduce them to other queer and trans people in the community who can provide support and community. Connect them to resources or people who can provide resources. Model appropriate language. I find that many people want to be respectful, but don't know how to ask what pronoun someone would prefer, or don't know that "transgender" is an adjective, not a noun.


See also: This Advocate piece.

As a friend posted on FB, "In the words of Mother Jones, 'Pray for the dead, but fight like hell for the living.'"

A Note on Sex Toy Reviews and Language

When I came home from San Francisco and finished writing the most recent sex toy review for Eden, I had a bit of a conundrum. I've been writing sex toy reviews intermittently for at least six months, but I feel like I have a lot to learn and improve on in my writing. I write about what works for me, because I know my body. It's tough to make recommendations. I'm not passing toys around to a large group of people for multiple opinions-- and everyone's body, expectations, and needs are a little different. I hesitate, because a toy that works beautifully for me might not for someone else. 

I'm also hung up on language. When I write a review or make a recommendation, I want it to be clear that it shouldn't just apply to cisgender women. I usually describe my own anatomy using words I feel comfortable with. But those words fluxuate and change depending on how I feel -- for example, I can have a clitoris or a cock. I also realize the words I use are not the words everyone uses, and the anatomy I have isn't the anatomy everyone has. 

Many sex toy stores divide their websites into "men's toys" and "women's toys." But the truth is, you don't need a clit to enjoy a vibrator, and anyone can wear a strap on. The beauty of brick-and-mortar stores is that you don't need these artificial divides; you can go and pick up any toy without someone putting the idea in your brain that this toy is "only for women." The flip side, of course, is that the privacy of the internet offers a space where anyone can buy a toy without fearing harassment, embarrassment, strange looks, or dealing with insensitive or uneducated staff. If you live in a place like rural Louisiana, the internet offers a world of access to toys when brick-and-mortar stores might be hard to come by -- or, worse, exist only as sleazy highway pit-stops filled with cheap, poorly made toys for marked up prices. Eh. Both have benefits and detriments, I suppose. 

For me, it comes down to this: how can I make reviews more accessible for people of all genders? I play with people of all gender identities and expressions. I play with my own gender during sex, and it's often changing and unrestricted. I play with toys of all types, and all meanings. As I was discussing with a friend the other night, sometimes a strap-on is just a toy, and sometimes, it's an extension of the body in very personal and intimate ways. I don't know if all of these realities affect my reviews, or even if they should.

But I do think part of sex-positivity is looking at toys as just that -- a piece that can be used by anyone in many possible ways. It's about recognizing and affirming all forms of gender expression and sexuality.

How can I make reviews more accessible for people of all genders?

Sex Toy Review: Jenna's Velvet Jewels

Jenna's Velvet Jewels Royal is a plastic traditional vibrator with some extra bling. It's sleek and simple, made of black velvet-like plastic, and shaped like a dildo. It measures a respectable 6 1/2 inches long, with a diameter of 1 1/4 inches. The packaging is a cheap plastic case with a fade-out photo of Jenna Jameson and the kind of flashy design you would expect from a toy bought in a backroom shop on the side of the highway.

The standout qualities of this vibrator are the safety and the jewels. Many lower-end vibrators are made of jelly plastics which can contain unsafe materials like phlalates. These jelly plastics, and most any plastics beside medical-grade silicone, can also trap bacteria in the porous surfaces. Jenna's Jewels ranks fairly high on safety as it is phlalate-free with an 8/10 according to Eden Fantasys' scale. I would recommend using a condom on it (or any toy) for shared play, just to be safe.

The vibrator is bejeweled with two rows jewels in clear, blue, and pink, adding a little pizazz. The vibrator comes in four color options: sky blue, violet/purple, a soft pink, and black. I requested the black. While the jewels are pretty, I rank quality and performance over appearance every time. Unfortunately, like many lower-end toys, Jenna's Jewels has a lovely aesthetic but it doesn't perform up to par.

To be fair, I need a strong vibrator for clitoral stimulation. (My standard vibrator is a Hitachi Magic Wand.) Bullets don't usually cut it for me, and few battery-powered vibes are worth my time. Jenna's Jewels just doesn't pack the power of a good vibrator. I had a tough time coming to orgasm using it. I do appreciate the turn-dial which adjusts the strength of the vibrations; many vibrators only have an on/off or two speeds. The dial is preferable, and I wish all vibrators came with it. Do take the batteries out when you store this vibrator, though; I found the dial would turn on easily in a drawer or even if I set it in the bed.

Jenna's Jewels is also quite loud. The vibrator hum is quite high-pitched, more so than many vibrators I've used. Even under the sheets, with my door closed, you could probably hear it faintly outside the bedroom. I have trouble with the design, too, though that's not an issues specific to this vibrator. I, like many women, tend to need some clitoral stimulation to orgasm. But these simple, dildo-shaped vibrators, are built for either penetration or clitoral stimulation; you can't do both at once. In terms of penetration, this toy isn't shaped for G-spot stimulation. The more creatively-designed toys can do one or the other well, whereas, I feel like this toy doesn't really do either very well. But this is also part of the price you choose to pay -- for $16.99 (or the currently discounted $12.74), you can buy something simple and pretty. Throw in another $50 or so, and you can get something truly high performing.

If your body is sensitive and you need something less jarring, this vibe might be worth a try. I wouldn't recommend it for beginners -- if you don't know what your body needs and responds to, you could be investing in a toy that doesn't fit your body. Don't let the sparkle and shine distract you from buying less attractive sex toys that pack a bigger punch.

(In full disclosure as required by the FTC, I was given this toy for free to review for EdenFantasys. I do not receive any payment from EdenFantasys for reviewing toys.)

Sex Toy Review: Queer Porn

In the last few weeks, I've had a lot of conversations about porn, specifically with queer friends who find the dearth of quality porn to be a bit heartbreaking. I've never had a huge interest in porn, but I am fascinated by the quality of queer-produced porn designed for a queer audience. I love the idea of taking an industry that has been dominated by the male gaze, scripted and overproduced, and queering the HELL out of it.

If you've never checked out queer porn, there's two websites I would recommend to start with: Crash Pad Series and QueerPorn.tv. The concepts are similar for both sites: the performers are given leeway to choose their partners, a room to play in, and little direction or scripting. Essentially, you put two (or more) queer people in a room, let them negotiate out what they want, and then film them fucking. There's no airbrushed vaginas, no elaborate sets and few story lines. So what will you find? Fisting, strap-ons, bondage, squirting, spanking, you name it. You'll see people orgasm on screen, and it's not fake. You'll see trans, genderqueer, femme, butch, and cis performers, performers of color -- diverse people who bring their identities and bodies, their sexual attractions and desires, to the camera. You'll see people having safe sex and enjoying it immensely.

These ideas shouldn't be radical, but when most "queer" porn you see on the mainstream market is two thin, white, blonde "lesbians" touching each other in the shower, marketed at straight men... well, you get the idea. Gay male porn opened the door for us, because it's often gay men fucking gay men produced by gay men. But for many of us, the people we fuck, the way we fuck, involves intersections of gender and sexuality and kink in really unique and beautiful ways. Why not have porn that reflects the reality of our lives?

Crash Pad offers a monthly subscription, $22 a month, which you can keep for as long as you choose. There's no year-long requirement or sign-up fees. There are 112 episodes, and over a hundred performers involved in the series. Pink and White Productions have also released a few DVDs of the Crash Pad videos, if you'd prefer that format over the online access. QueerPorn.tv offers a $29.99 monthly VIP membership, or anyone can pay-per-video-download.

If you haven't yet, go check these sites out. Have your mind blown.